At about 10 PM, my brother and dad came in from outside with what my dad called a “prehistoric pterodactyl”.  This… this fist-sized beetle/clicky bug hybrid with moth antennae and the brightest red underbelly was in a plastic bag, he’d just caught it outside because it was banging against the french doors, making an ungodly amount of noise.  It’s wingspan was probably 8 inches.

We thought it was a bird but it was this mind-numbingly huge monster-animal-bug.  I should have taken a picture but in my sheer terror, I did not.  I… slightly regret it now.

theworstthingsforsale:

From the same circle of hell as the previously-blogged-about toast-and-egg toaster, I bring the Hot Dog Toaster.

I thought the point of hot dogs was that you could make them using nothing other than a paper towel, a microwave, and bad nutrition, but along comes the Hot Dog Toaster to prove me wrong.

Oh, oh god…  I can imagine that the instance those weenies pop up (haha…), the toaster is swarmed with flies.  The green, hairy flies hot dogs were invented for.

marowak-ghost:

montbear:

coryruinseverything:

tempura-wizard:

shiny-feraligatr:

humorousrain:

protosaber363:

raikissu:

getonthelizard:

effyeahpegasister:

Minecraft. You’re some blocky person that punches trees made out of pixels and you kill dead people, spiders, and giant green penises that blow up

Dead Space. You’re an engineer, and your dead girlfriend is clingy and attacks you.

Shadow of the Colossus. You’re this little guy running around in this empty space looking for these giants to kill, just to revive your dead girlfriend lolz

Sonic 3 and Knuckles: You’re some mutant freak of a rodent with a fox who doesnt try to eat you running around nowhere while another mutant freak and an old bald guy try and stop you…and emeralds have mythical abilites somehow..?

Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance: You’re a blue haired boy who makes a bunch of friends and stops this other group controlled by another guy who has blue haired (he is not the boy’s father). The boy makes friends with famous people and those famous people give the boy more friends. He makes half-animal friends and together, they stop the other blue haired guy and save the continent from an evil man.

Kid Icarus: Uprising: You’re a kawaii as hell dorky angel who’s friendless and can’t fly without the help of this goddess who makes puns like, every two seconds. They also break the forth wall often and don’t shut up and the both of them are trying to protect the humans from the Underworld forces and stuff. And then there are a ton of other gods who are insane as heck who you end up getting help from or fight against and they also crack jokes/puns/break 4th walls/etc. And then the dorky kawaii angel gets cloned and then a dorky and sugoi as heck angel is created and at times he tries to beat up the dorky kawaii angel and at other times he tries to help him.

Boktai: You’re supposed to go outside to play it.

MegaMan Legends: Your girlfriend’s a bitch and makes you dig for treasure.

pokemon: don’t go to school and engage in cockfighting with terrorists

Brave Fencer Musashi: You’re a midget who has been forcefully summoned from your homeland to a kingdom in another world, where you have to protect the kingdom from an opposing empire, protect a bitch princess who whines and fucks shit up, and do thankless tasks for villagers too stupid to do anything about their own shit (including being a bodyguard for a dog, fixing a generator, getting rare medicine to save someone’s shitty kid from being turned into a zombie, putting out a mass fire, and more.)

You also end up doing a world-threatening fuckup because no one remembers major details of their own world’s history.

Your best reward from anyone is an old calendar that you can’t read. And one of the bad guys, you have to beat in a dance-off.

DR. MARIO:  A completely derivative puzzle game that is essentially a Tetris rip-off with a Mario insert.  Way too easy to win (just set the capsule fall-speed to ‘LO’ and pick level 20) and the reward is a depressing screen of the viruses you’re trying to kill  relaxing in a tree.  ON TOP of the fact that the “hardest” level is 24 and it just repeats over and over and over until one of you fades into oblivion.  Bloody condescending!

Animations, which are already painfully limited to 8-bit “reversal” routes, rarely go beyond 3 frames and the colour palette consists of muddied purples, blues, and reds.  The music is repetitive to the point that you even get an option to turn it off completely — obviously the composer anticipated driving players mad with it.

2-player mode is the quintessential bore of this title.  Doesn’t even offer co-op, what the hell??  And no DLC, can’t even buy hats!!  Worst game ever, hands down.  I’d rate it butt-hair out of 10.

Geez guys, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M HARDCORE?

I had lunch at the new Dunkin Donuts in Ft. Smith.  I would like to do it again but since it’s Ft. Smith, this will probably be the last time the place is clean.  OH WELL.

In the wake of the Communist revolution, honest landowner Ximen Nao is shot to death. Protesting his fate to Yama, lord of the underworld, he strikes a deal by which he is reincarnated as a series of animals—a donkey, ox, pig, dog, and monkey—on his way to eventually being reborn as a human.  These animals (each a version of Nao himself, and each, amazingly, with its own distinctive voice) serve as the narrators of Mo Yan’s rich, outlandish, tawdry, hilarious, and cruel novel… Famine, catastrophe, and idiocy become commonplace in the years from 1950 to the present, and the novel spares nothing and no one in its savage critique—not Chairman Mao, not the rise of modern Chinese capitalism, not even the author himself.

YO, day one purchase.  Mo Yan’s Autumn Water is my all-time, number one favourite story ever and once I read the synopsis to this, I clicked through the check-out pages in a flurry unheard of for a human being of this dimension.  MY FINGERS ARE STILL SMOKING.